Billionaire playboy philanthropist and habitual liar. I tweet jokes (not always my own) and sometimes they are quite funny. Allegedly. Also part time author!

Joined September 2021
If you think my last tweet was funny, you should read the five before it...
19
52
I have a couple of glove puppets for sale, if anyone wants to take them off my hands...
1
1
3
Rambling. Jewellery for sheep.
1
Just finished a postal exam. Mailed it!
2
6
What do I buy my pet cockerel for his birthday? I wondered about a Pogo stick, but he’s no spring chicken.
3
I had an idea about a film plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris. Turns out that idea was taken.
6
I went to the library and asked: “Do you have any books on shelving?” She said: “Yes, all of them.”
2
14
The inventor of the tv remote conrol has died. His body was found down the back of the sofa.
2
I've taken a vow of poverty. If you want to annoy me, send money.
1
4
Gran Jury retweeted
49 out of 50 states are not OK
14
24
186
The Beastie Boys are releasing a 5 Disc anthology. Parts A to D are available on demand, but you have to fight for your right to Part E.
6
28
5
83
Just seen a dyslexic yorkshire man walking down the street wearing a cat flap
1
3
I’ve just found out I have a half sister. Not different dads Shark attack.
4
One big difference between a man and a woman is that when a woman says “ Smell this”, it usually smells nice...
2
6
17
'Doctor I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me... I keep veering to the left, then to the right.' 'Those are just side effects,' he replied
2
My kids asked me what it was like growing up in the '80s... so I took their phones away and turned the Internet off.
4
Did everyone read my chiropractic joke I posted about a week back?
4
1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock paper. 5, 6, 7 o'clock, 8 o'clock paper. 9, 10, 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock paper. Bill Haley was so predictable that I beat him every time.
1
10
Does anyone else find that, when holding a remote control, you have to take off the battery cover for no specific reason?
1
8
For those who didn't win at the Burglar of the year awards, it was the 'taking' part that counts.
5
Salt was great. Pepper was brilliant. Can’t wait for season three.
2
11